Just a quick hello
Mood:  caffeinated
Its a little over a month since Pharmacy school started for me and I'm happy to report that not dead. Quite the contrary. Much to the chagrin of some, I'm alive and doing well! Hello all you out there who know me, and that goes double for all you who like me.
So far,the hardest part of school is not the intense course work we are given on a daily basis, but the amount of e-mail we must sort through in a single day. I have been approached by so many professionally organizations to join that i don't know which way is up. Its crazy, but its a good time. Ill be walking in the Diabetes walk next month so anyone that would like to make a donation to the cause please contact me. I was just informed that I'm supposed to raise $150 for the cause so any little bit of pocket change you can spare would be much appreciated.
thats all for now folks. I feel like the groundhog sticking his head up to look for natural light, but instead of ducking my little head (huge Mellon) back into the ground, I'm eying a nice cozy place for it in the middle of my Biochemistry book that I'v been studying out of for the last 8 hours. actually natural light is starting to bother me... I wonder where this is going? Oh well, hopefully I finish school with a healthy complexion and a sane mind. I will settle for great skin tone and semi-sane complimented with no sense of a normal sleep schedule. Things are looking good for the latter so far...

its a joe split
Mood:  rushed
I'm totally going crazy. I have a lot going on but it really nothing at all, at least not yet. I have exactly 7 days to make something out of nothing before I am whisked away to a very mental state of mind. I feel rushed, and crazy, and pressured, and unorganized, and basically just punch drunk and dizzy. So to compensate, I've been trying to find the root of Joe. I caught a glimpse of him last night, dancing the night away. I think that was the first time all weekend that I didn't feel like I was having to keep up with anyone else's speed but my own. I had almost forgot I had my own, but it was there, and it took over. I played air hockey, with a very competitive lesbian. It was pretty intense, but it could have been worse, it could have been pool. I was told by a friend never to get involved in a lesbian and a pool game. Sometimes I think that those trixsy lesbians stole all the testosterone that us homos are so frequently lacking. Oh well, as long as it stays in the family. Joe Out!

what i my issue?
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Silence
I wish someone could tell me, but I know that I am the only one that can answer that question. I'm so confused as to what to do. This guy that I am totally crazy for and is probably totally crazy for me, doesn't seem to fit in my wavelength. I know that I am, more than anything, a subtle person by nature, but that it no way spells out simple and boring. But being around this guy makes me feel more than just a little bit of both. It's like I'm trying to catch up to a speeding train on foot. And that would be challenge enough but also it seems that this run away train knows how to and is avidly jumping tracks. I have no control over it and I'm using up all my tricks to try and distract it from moving while I try and get my footing. I feel like I've entered an alternate universe where running means my feet are pinioned, and no action means I will die slowly and horribly in the quicksand. Its a dangerous place to be, and I'm still not sure I'm totally welcome, but I am here because some part of me wants to be and keeps tapping me on the shoulder every time I want to quit and tells me that its going to be worth it in the long run. I wonder if this is how Nathan felt when we first started dating? I wonder if I seemed impossible at times and that he at certain points got so frustrated that he could have walked away and ended it. Something tells me that history is totally slapping me in the face with that AP Government text book that I never opened. I knew I should have studied harder. I have plenty of that coming my way in less than 2 weeks. I just hope and prey that it doesn't leave me a social cripple and dead to the world. Pharmacy school is totally freakin me out but it promises to make a smart man out of me. Well, I'm in it this far, only a true fool would tun back now. Wish me luck all.

Will I chase embers in the wind?
Mood:  d'oh
So I’ve been seeing this guy for a while now, and when I say a while I mean exactly 3 weeks to the day. Things have been moving so fast! Some might say that it’s a bad sign, but some might see at as good fortune too. Put my vote in the latter ballot box. I think that the longer people take to rationalize things and not act on impulse is leaving more space for marginalization and doubt. And I definitely know myself, and I recognize patterns within myself. I would like to think that I am fine the way I am but I know better. I know that I will either be fully head-on crazy about something and go for it until I can’t anymore, or will be too overly cautious about things and let opportunity sail away in the wind, beautiful and untouched by my overly cautious hand.
I have done it too many times to count, I mean let go because I hesitated. I am afraid to get hurt, but sometimes in order to get anywhere you have to get hurt. The funny thing is that I know this for a fact and have adopted the principle into my being but for some reason I still continue this pointless behavior. I know that it leads to nothing because it accomplished nothing every time it rears it pointless head. I have not fully admitted this to myself yet, but I’ve been severely hurt by people that I let get too close to me and I refuse to let anyone get close to me again. It is a fatal wound that only shows itself when people get close enough to penetrate my happy exterior. I often hide it when people near me because I become excited that this person might be the one to free me from myself and allow me be strong enough to live from the inside again, but all of a sudden I see some flaw in these supposed heroes that convinces me that this can’t be the one and just like that I withdraw and become once again dormant in myself. I get so boiled up and frustrated and almost want to lash out and cry when I console myself by saying that its better this way. A least living with my true motions bottled up inside that I won’t be hurt again.
So, getting back to the point of my little blog entry… What is it about this guy that scares me? Thankfully they aren’t his flaws, but rather is strengths. First of all his name scares me. And what a place to start, Christopher Lee! What are the odds that he would share the name of my first love, my first spiritual connection, my first trial of the heart, and my most outstanding defeat! It seems that after saving myself from the vacant abyss in which I was left, and as far as I have pulled myself up from that point, as many milestones I’ve marked since then, and as many times a I promised myself that I would never go back there, all of a sudden that seems moot when I learn that his name is Christopher Lee. It’s like I never left that emotional wasteland. I feel weak in the knees learning how much he has in common with the first Christopher Lee in my life, and what’s even worse is that he is younger than both him and I. Looking at him I see pieces of the first that I have long tried to forget. I have never been able though, to forget the way I felt safe inside his presence, and how comfortable I felt co-habitating with him, and how self-assured he was and how complete I felt around me. Can this newer, younger, more affectionate model really be what fate has in store for me?
This is the point at which I tell myself “Asshole, the only way to find out is if you give it a shot!” So of course the first thing I do is make things difficult for myself and do the complete opposite. Especially when this “new and improved” Christopher Lee says that he wants to move to New York next year. My first reaction is to be supportive and say go. I also immediately start to withdraw thinking that this is a waste of my emotional energy. I can’t get all involved in the mess and then just one day say goodbye. That short changes us both. I thought about it, quite mathematically, and figured that it was an imaginary function to think of entering a direct relationship that was finite from the point of origin. Its expressed in mathematical terms by saying “things don’t add up!” So naturally, being the honest person I so strive to be, I call him and tell him of my findings. He seemed surprised, like he hadn’t thought the same thing. I was baffled. But I forgot to include one variable in my equation, the emotional variable, which, in turn, mandates that everything else in life become variable to fit its whim. I had somehow forgot to include my own emotions in this equation. I turned to my friends who said not to give up so easy, and hopefully I’m not too late.
Chris, if someday I let you read this, I hope it wasn’t too late to change your mind about me. I hope that I am everything that you need in life. I hope it wasn’t too late to let me into your inner workings, and if we got there then I know that I finally lowered my guard to let you in. I know you said that this is happening way to quick, but I want nothing else and I hope that it means that we got through all the rough spots as fast as possible. You were right when you said that no one is a safe bet in life, so here goes, Joe is officially chasing fire. Hopefully I catch it and my heart becomes ablaze!

Like the deserts miss the rain.....
Mood:  happy
...is how my blog misses posts. That seems to be the theme for this blog though, few posts and far between them. I wanted to post last night because I had something really wonderful happen, but my laptop and tripod were having a tiff and weren't speaking last night. Anyhoo, here I am, back and ready to blog with the best of them.
A couple of important updates, I got into Pharmacy school at the U of A, I moved out of the parents house and into Tucson proper, I started going to spinning class at 5:30 in the morning Monday through Thursday, and I've been dating a whole lot. I mean a lot! in fact if you are reading this, you may have dated me sometime this summer. In the infamous words of Ru Paul, "I'm lookin' good and feelin' gorgeous!" Life is treating me good right now. I swear that I must have done something really good in a previous life to deserve having things so good this time around.
On top of all that goodness, I met a boy. Of course, its always about the men. But this boy is special(aren't they all honey). In him I feel like I have met my match. His existence is so complimentary to mine, and there are way to many parallels involved for this to be some wild summer fling. I admit that at first it felt like this may be the capstone to my grand summer of dating, but I am convinced that this is so much more than that. So the really wonderful thing that happened last night, I think that was the point I fell in love with him. It scares me say it or even type it, but I know that I feel it and I'm not afraid of that. I hope that he has no way of looking at this page just yet because I don't want my cool cover to be blown just yet, but I really need an outlet less I flip my lid just thinking about him. Before now, it was mostly sexual attraction with awesomely witty conversation, but after last nights encounter, under the moonlight, I really unraveled his protective covering and saw what beauty lay dormant underneath. I am now confident that I should throw caution to the wind with this one.
, Thats enough mindless babbling about that though. thank you all for tuning into this seasons sole episode of heights and wish me luck with school and boy so that I may survive and post all about it later. Adios

Man on a mission
Mood:  hug me
Ok, so I haven't written in a while, but I decided for some weird reason to exercise my will power and give up something that I love for an entire month. There have been some long nights where I tossed and turned in bed thinking about what I've done and longing for the day that my beloved and I will be reunited with my love. Of course I'm talking about soda. I love it, but something tells my that I shouldn't drink it all this month. In the Mexican culture we have something called a Manda, which in a nutshell is a personal mission that we put ourselves on so that our prayers will be answered. I have a quasi-religious back round, and surprise, its not catholic, but still, I like to run along side the tracks of those big steam engines sometimes. I am waiting for an answer, a release form this stagnancy. I'm waiting to find out if I've been accepted into pharmacy school. I probably wont know until April, but I though that If I give up something that I love for an entire month, then maybe something really good will come my way at the end of it. And if thats not the case at least I can drown in my sorrows in a nice tall glass of soda, a temporary answer to a longer term problem. But on the other hand, if I win, I will be celebrating with an old friend. life is all about prespectives, anf either way, something good comes out of this month being over.

Party boy
Mood:  cool
So what it party boy's idea of taking it easy? changing the venue. Last night it was the Keys, then the good ol' staple IBTs, then Che's lounge. Yeah, it was real easy. The hardest part was walking back to the car at the end of the night. 'I think we're getting old' think Jamie and I to ourselves seperately. Oh fuck, you mean I can't get up earlier than 10 if I go out the night before? I guess its time to stop going out as much. Whatever shall the party boy do? Godforbid he make the complete jump and land both feet in the responsible adult zone. But what about the great shirt that he just bought and must show off? Sounds like someone needs to have a reprioritizing party. Its just no good doing it every weekend. You get nothing done if you sleep in until 2pm. I hate that feeling, slow, sluggish, mentally fuzzy, waking up in a barn next to a fuzzy animal having no idea how you got there. Ok, its a bit extreme, but maybe it needs to be sometimes to illustrate the point. Point is, party boy has trouble knowing when to stop. So are you a party boy too?

Saving the World, saving myself...
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Tucson
Tonight was an awesome night. Let me go back a little further and say that today was an awesome day. It started with a phone call from my friend Jamie. I thought I was talking like a toad because I just woke up but as a matter of fact I was losing my voice. As soon as I went through hair & makeup, and stopped in at wardrobe I thought that today would be just another weekend that I pissed away doing nothing, but contrary, this Saturday was one of the most productive Saturdays that Ive had in a long time.
So here is the event rundown. I meet Jamie at his house and we go to Miss Saigon, then Its off to the movie theater to see "House of Flying Daggers", which was so cool by the way. We just happened to see some people we knew in the theater. I think it was a bit uncomfortable for some, but it was brief enough that it was over before long. Then we went back to Jamie's, house and it being such a nice day, took the scenic route to the circle K by the U of A rec center. There were many a bodacious bodies of both sexes to scope along the way. Then it was hang out and talk about nothing for the entire afternoon. It was so awesome to just sit there and drift in and out of conversation with someone without it seeming awkward. But there were many picture books to keep attention focused off the conversation. Now before you go thinking that we were looking at pure unadulterated porn, I'm going to call a safety and say that it was infact highly classified porn, disguised as pseudo-intellectual witty rambling found in Instinct and other gay magazine publications. Anyway, a little bit of bad news in the afternoon, I found out that the Hospice patient that I was assigned to passed away on Thursday and I was left uninformed. I got to talk to the caretaker/daughter though, and she was very appreciative and really happy to hear from me. I was knocked somber, so Jamie being the good friend, offered booze immediately. I might have been somber, but I didn't have to be sober, and Jamie knew it. After a while, we went to Brooklyn Pizza, home of the greatest slice and spot for people watching and trash talking. My crowning victory was splirting out in mid-conversation "oh my god, eat something, quick!" to a wafer thin bean pole that just walked through the door seconds before. I always knew I had it in me, and there it was clear as day. Proof that I too could be a bitch. We saw many a hot men, and some not so hot coming in and out. We were there for a good long while. We were in no apparent rush today. We wanted to do something non-routine so we decided to find Jamie a sex partner. We were willing to scrape the bottom of the bucket so we decided to go straight there, to the yard dog it was. On our way up the street I was going to suggest we make a pass through IBT's even though it was so early in the evening, but before we even got there, there was a young boy holding on to the street sign at the corner for his balance as we was stinking drunk. He was cute, but drunken twinkies aren't, weren't, and never will be my thing. We asked him if he needed help, but he kept talking about his friend Jason, who we were sure didn't exist at first. But sure enough Jason was real, and every bit as drunk as friend. At this point we were really concerned, concerned for their health and for their welfare. Jason was waiving around this debit card and blabbing out his pin number (8214) so I told him he should put it away. At one point we were going to walk away and ignore them like everyone else was doing. This is the saving the world part. Jamie said, if you are going to call, then give me your phone and I'll call. So I did, and he did, and I kept the two detained and distracted. I knew these cha-cha hips would come in good use someday. Anyway, the police arrived shortly after. Jamie's was mad because it took him getting transferred 5 times before he actually got to talk to someone about the whole thing. He was really in a seriously pissed mood immediately following, but I couldn't help but tell him what a great thing he had just done. He may have ruined their night, but hopefully he helped in teaching them a lesson. Hopefully their parents were called and notified about the whole underage drinking thing. Hopefully they will know better than to get toasted drunk and wander into the street in the future. And hopefully people will learn to take some responsibility for their environment whether its initially their business or not, because eventually those kids will be adults and not very responsible yet potentially more threatening and dangerous-to-society adults and then we as people will have no choice but to deal with them, only by then it will be much more difficult. Oh tonight we looked into the future and we changed a disaster before it happened. I think so highly of my friend Jamie tonight. I knew there was awesomeness inside him and tonight it shined like the north star. After that I couldn't tell him enough how I thought he just saved the world. I was honored to have him with me. He said no one likes calling the cops and that it made him feel old but that someone had to do it. I told him not to mistake age for responsibility. I told him that he should be proud. After that the rest of my night was devoted to ensuring that the rest of the night go in his favor, and for that I feel accomplished. We did start the bar hopping at yard day like we had planned, only know it was extra satisfying to be there because there were no youngens to be watched over, no quite the contrary. In fact there was nothing but older man, a cute doorman, and a sexy leather daddy that Jamie ended up giving his number to. After a couple drinks we were off to our next stop, Woodys. We got out of the car and immediately smelled foulness in the air. The atmosphere inside was equally foul so we turned around and went to the next stop on the Joe and Jamie circuit, Howl at the Moon. It was a little bit a country and a little bit a lame, so we stayed only long enough to distinguish which were hot cowboys and which were powerdykes with good stetsons. After that brief encounter we were off to Novembers bar and grill. At last I went to Novembers, it was a gay establishment, but something horribly twisted happened somewhere along the line and it was not so magically turned into either a straight bar or a super lesbian strip club. While we were there our nipples were twisted by one of the strippers with a little sweater and big thighs. Jamie got a spanking, but I refused mine. I was shocked, for one that Novembers had changed so drastically, but also because that bitch pinched my nipple. It didn't hurt, but it was just rude! So there it was 11:15pm, we had already accomplished so much. Jamie had already saved the world, found a leather daddy, and got spanked and pinched by a stripper. Maybe I'm crazy but I thought we were off to a great start. We decided to go to Venture and stir up some trouble. We didn't find much be we did find Kyle. Kyle is a nice guy and I was interested in him for about 2 seconds, but I think it was shallow, not him, the thought though. I don't think we could have anything substantial together. I actually feel bad thinking about it, but it only reminds me that people can be so opportunistic at times. Oh well, I cant blame them, I guess I'm the same way. Anyway, back to the night. We thought that it was sort of dead, but we decided to wait a bit and see what the night brought out. We ran into Mark Camacho, another one of Nathans Ex's. We talked, or should I say that I let him talk about whatever it is he rambles on about when I approach him. This time it was something about his credit union and taking out too much money and putting it back right away but hopefully in time to pay bills. Hey Mark, hope everything works out for you. So one of Kyles friends tried to ask me out but I wasn't feeling it. I didn't realize it till later, but I totally turned myself off so that Jamie could have the night. I thought so intently that the night should go to him for saving the world that I went around to everyone telling them about the heroic maneuver. We ran into a couple friendly faces and had a few drinks, the bartender was a bitch to Jamie so I left him no tip when I ordered. You fuck with my friends then your fuckin with me, bitch! So after that we went to our inevitably terminal clubbing destination, IBT's. It was different this time though, I wasn't there for me, which was really nice feeling. I was there with my friend who saved the world tonight, and I was there for emotional support. It was really a magical experience. So he has seen this guy around that he really likes and he wanted to invite him to the party that he is having next weekend but he doesn't like his friends who are always with him and was waiting for the perfect opportunity to approach him. I tried to run decoy but turning off for the night meant I couldn't use my super powers at all. So no such luck in the distraction department. But I did write Jamie's number down on a piece of paper so that he could give it to the guy he was after. It was sort of cute to see Jamie get all shy about a guy. Totally not typical Jamie, but cute. He eventually snapped out of it and just approached the guy. It was a beautiful thing. Afterwords all was good in the land of the gays. I was approached by a guy named Randy who asked me to come home with him, to which I politely declined. And I was so proud of me then because I was just complaining earlier that I lack the capability to say no most of the time and it doesn't help my self esteem. But not once but twice tonight did I decline offers, mostly because I wasn't in the nood, but also because I wanted to be direct yet friendly about it. After that I was spent. I told Jamie I wanted to leave, he said he was ready to, so then we went to circle K once more, both glowing with goodness. There was some cuties there, but I paid no mind as I was happy to see that Jamie was still in just as good a mood as he was this morning. We went back to his house, watched Ren & Stimpy and ended the night there. It really was an awesome day. I cant tell you how proud I am of Jamie and of myself. I guess we really helped each other tonight. We both got great companionship out of the day, and he got his wish. I got a sense of self, something I have been struggling with lately. Those people we ran into at the movie theater today, they were Nathan my ex-boyfriend, Sathya the plucky humor guy, and Nathans new friend Nathan. It was awkward yes, and shortly after sitting down next to them, I realized how badly I had just shot myself in the foot (or daggered myself in the back if we are going to draw parallels to the movie). I forgot that there would be an end to the movie, and a point where I would actually have to talk to Nathan and meet the other Nathan. But as much as I dreaded it, it happened and it wasn't that bad. He seemed like a nice guy and I didn't feel the urge to tear him to pieces. Actually after meeting him, I didn't feel an urge at all. I guess I was afraid of the unknown, but now nothing of the situation is unknown and I feel that I know all that I may need or want to know. Actually Jamie thought they looked cute together, which was strange, but he was still on my side, he said he was trying to avoid contact as much as possible too. We both tried to keep to ourselves after the movie ended but ended up talking to the rest of the group. He was trying his best to make sidestepping conversation, bless his huge heart, meanwhile I ran for cover in the bathroom thinking that if I stayed in there long enough that they all would just leave. I was a little offended that Nathan didn't even call me to ask if I wanted to go in the first place, but like my homepage says right now, change is a good thing, eventually. So I was proud of myself for taking that so well, it could have gone better, but it could have been a lot worse. Long story long, I guess what I have been afraid of since the appearance of the second Nathan in the picture is losing Nathan and having to face life on my own. But I realized today that even without Nathan I can get by just fine. I can communicate with people and help friends, I can have meaningful relationships and do things that matter and all this stuff. All this and more I felt like I could only do holding Nathans hand before. I know that I'm strange, I'm always going to be a bit of that no matter who I'm hanging onto, but the important question is, am I comfortable with myself as the stranger that I am? And after today, the answer to that is a profound YES! with friends like Jamie and Nathan, anything is possible.

I need a distraction like I need a hole in the head
Mood:  don't ask
My entire life is filled with distractions. So much so that I have forgotten the point. I remember smiling about something but I don't remember what it was. It was a really awesome smile though, it lasted for about 18 years. Then high school ended and I got distracted. Anyone who knows me will attest to the fact that I will follow the first shiny object to be thrown across my line of sight. I really had my work cut out for me when I exited the high school world and entered the real world. There are so many things to keep you from achieving any goal that you set that its next to impossible to get anywhere without being distracted constantly. Think I'm wrong? then why is it everyone chuckles when someone who uses some sort of PA system or paging device says "can you hear me now?" The point is we have gotten so well at incorporating this commercialized sense of being into our everyday lives that we have forgotten the value of family, the truth about Role models, and the real reason for being. We are all so super saturated with this commercial culture that its easy to get lost in it. I know that I am guilty of becoming lost in this fog of advertisement and distraction. Luckily I have a decent set of parents and some good friends that keep me in check. And if I ever expect to get to where I aspire to be, then I hope that the distraction process is reversible, because I will basically have to unplug from everything if I expect to get anywhere. I hope that everyone out there is not as easily distracted as me, otherwise we are doomed. OK, my show is back on, gotta run...

A sad month for all...
Mood:  sad
So it seems that I have really lost touch with what it was that kept me going so well in 2004. I don't know what it could be but it has really taken its toll on me. But before I go feeling bad about myself, I should take into consideration those less fortunate than me.
I have talked to a great many people since my escape from quarantine, and most only have nothing or negative things to say about January. And its not that I hate January's, usually they are delightful. But this one really seems to suck Huge goat balls, pardon my expression.
Maybe its the weather, maybe its the shortness of the day, maybe its the livelihood of people in general, but its gotta be something. I have my reasons for having a crappy month, but why is everyone else having such a bad month too? One can only begin to wonder.
Hopefully February will bring that little groundhog and his good blessing along with higher spirits for everyone. God knows we all need it. Yes lets pray that tomorrow will bring a brighter day. In fact, for me tomorrow brings Seleanas baby shower! I'm excited. I'm told that I'll be the only boy there, but its ok because I'm gay. I hope its not affirmative action at work. That would be strange, but that is definitely who I am. I'm the eternal stranger.
Anyway, there are only 2 days left of January and then we begin a new cycle. I say lets grin and bear it. I know we'll all pull through.