Will I chase embers in the wind?
Mood:  d'oh
So I’ve been seeing this guy for a while now, and when I say a while I mean exactly 3 weeks to the day. Things have been moving so fast! Some might say that it’s a bad sign, but some might see at as good fortune too. Put my vote in the latter ballot box. I think that the longer people take to rationalize things and not act on impulse is leaving more space for marginalization and doubt. And I definitely know myself, and I recognize patterns within myself. I would like to think that I am fine the way I am but I know better. I know that I will either be fully head-on crazy about something and go for it until I can’t anymore, or will be too overly cautious about things and let opportunity sail away in the wind, beautiful and untouched by my overly cautious hand.
I have done it too many times to count, I mean let go because I hesitated. I am afraid to get hurt, but sometimes in order to get anywhere you have to get hurt. The funny thing is that I know this for a fact and have adopted the principle into my being but for some reason I still continue this pointless behavior. I know that it leads to nothing because it accomplished nothing every time it rears it pointless head. I have not fully admitted this to myself yet, but I’ve been severely hurt by people that I let get too close to me and I refuse to let anyone get close to me again. It is a fatal wound that only shows itself when people get close enough to penetrate my happy exterior. I often hide it when people near me because I become excited that this person might be the one to free me from myself and allow me be strong enough to live from the inside again, but all of a sudden I see some flaw in these supposed heroes that convinces me that this can’t be the one and just like that I withdraw and become once again dormant in myself. I get so boiled up and frustrated and almost want to lash out and cry when I console myself by saying that its better this way. A least living with my true motions bottled up inside that I won’t be hurt again.
So, getting back to the point of my little blog entry… What is it about this guy that scares me? Thankfully they aren’t his flaws, but rather is strengths. First of all his name scares me. And what a place to start, Christopher Lee! What are the odds that he would share the name of my first love, my first spiritual connection, my first trial of the heart, and my most outstanding defeat! It seems that after saving myself from the vacant abyss in which I was left, and as far as I have pulled myself up from that point, as many milestones I’ve marked since then, and as many times a I promised myself that I would never go back there, all of a sudden that seems moot when I learn that his name is Christopher Lee. It’s like I never left that emotional wasteland. I feel weak in the knees learning how much he has in common with the first Christopher Lee in my life, and what’s even worse is that he is younger than both him and I. Looking at him I see pieces of the first that I have long tried to forget. I have never been able though, to forget the way I felt safe inside his presence, and how comfortable I felt co-habitating with him, and how self-assured he was and how complete I felt around me. Can this newer, younger, more affectionate model really be what fate has in store for me?
This is the point at which I tell myself “Asshole, the only way to find out is if you give it a shot!” So of course the first thing I do is make things difficult for myself and do the complete opposite. Especially when this “new and improved” Christopher Lee says that he wants to move to New York next year. My first reaction is to be supportive and say go. I also immediately start to withdraw thinking that this is a waste of my emotional energy. I can’t get all involved in the mess and then just one day say goodbye. That short changes us both. I thought about it, quite mathematically, and figured that it was an imaginary function to think of entering a direct relationship that was finite from the point of origin. Its expressed in mathematical terms by saying “things don’t add up!” So naturally, being the honest person I so strive to be, I call him and tell him of my findings. He seemed surprised, like he hadn’t thought the same thing. I was baffled. But I forgot to include one variable in my equation, the emotional variable, which, in turn, mandates that everything else in life become variable to fit its whim. I had somehow forgot to include my own emotions in this equation. I turned to my friends who said not to give up so easy, and hopefully I’m not too late.
Chris, if someday I let you read this, I hope it wasn’t too late to change your mind about me. I hope that I am everything that you need in life. I hope it wasn’t too late to let me into your inner workings, and if we got there then I know that I finally lowered my guard to let you in. I know you said that this is happening way to quick, but I want nothing else and I hope that it means that we got through all the rough spots as fast as possible. You were right when you said that no one is a safe bet in life, so here goes, Joe is officially chasing fire. Hopefully I catch it and my heart becomes ablaze!